Death in the Knife

Obama Language

2009-10-13T21:30:00.001-07:00

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/10/12/Japanese-learn-English-from-Obama-speeches/UPI-76691255372732/

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

2008-08-11T14:14:00.000-07:00

Love Like Strangers

2008-07-25T17:04:00.001-07:00

Chandeliers

2008-06-04T14:07:00.000-07:00

Mind you, even though Stalin was a dictator, bent on spreading the political doctrines of communism into the western world, causing brutal social and economic externalities that are still felt in eastern europe today; the guy knew how to build wicked subway stations.

This is a photo of a subway station in Moscow. I wonder when the TTC will get around to installing chandeliers??

2008-06-03T13:20:00.001-07:00

2008-05-30T11:01:00.000-07:00

Mad Gab is awesome...here is a good one

"Dew Ache Who Gulls Urge"

If you can't get it, look it up on google....

2008-05-25T19:01:00.001-07:00

Fire @ Amberley Beach

2008-05-12T20:25:00.001-07:00

Betamax Hub

2008-05-05T13:01:00.001-07:00

I made a USB hub out of an old Betamax tape.

It wasn't my idea though...

2008-05-04T22:13:00.000-07:00

Fabio moonlights as a Christian Superhero.....

2008-05-04T22:11:00.000-07:00

2008-05-01T08:51:00.000-07:00

In my dream last night, Robert Smith was trying delete all the files off my computer. As I caught him trying to do it, he fled the scene screaming with a high pitched whine. Oh, Bob.

Poor Mess'es

2008-04-29T20:35:00.000-07:00

At least the sun is still brave.

I almost forgot my password to access this blog. I used it a few days ago, but this brain ain't workin' like it used to. Birthdays and cottages to remember, but will probably forget.

Passports are in the process of being processed, to allow for more processing down the pipeline.

The mess in Caledonia angers me. I haven't been following any other news really. But I found out today while reading news on my wii that some kid from North Carolina murdered his entire family, then went over to his friends house immediately after to go ATVing like nothing even happened. Nobody suspected anything out of the ordinary, except for the fact he asked to use his friends bath tub to soak all the blood off of his feet.

People are fucked up.

Juicer Fo' Life

2008-04-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

I bought a juicer in January for no good reason. I was walking down Bloor one day and saw a sign in a window for a clearance sale on a juicer and I knew I had to have it. The guy who sold it to me looked like a satin version of Jeff Goldblum with a bit of genie mixed in there; like he was made by a big juicer in the sky. I shouldn't make light of the concoction that the man was because he creeped me out. Anyways, I bought a juicer for 65 dollars which was marked down from 160, so I thought I was getting a steal of a deal. Unfortuantely after I bought it, I didn't really want it anymore so I left it knowingly at my sisters, pretending that I 'accidentally' forgot it there. After my travels, I saw it sitting at my sisters so I decided to take it home. I made juice today and my mind was blown.....

im a juicer at heart, a juicer you see
im a juicer who juices, a juicer is me
and juicing is mashing and mushing for juice,
and juicing with passion; with passion like fruit
pour out the spout, with fountain like speed
juice in my cup; we're juicers indeed

m-m-m-mark and his juicer.....ooooooooooooooooo

Oranges! Apples!!!!!!Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

No...get away from me juicer....you're not taking me alive.......the juicer has legs, and has developed a conscience....Cylons are taking the form of juicers....everyone run for your life.........

2008-04-24T09:46:00.000-07:00

2008-04-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

Good Recipe

2008-04-05T14:16:00.001-07:00

Almost two months

2008-03-12T20:50:00.000-07:00

In February I went to Vietnam with Peishan. Went to Hanoi, where Peishan was assumed to be a prostitute. (Many tourists and locals in Vietnam automatically assume a white guy traveling with an asian girl means he is paying for her company)
At the same time though as Peishan was being called a hooker, I had a 15 cent pint of beer which did not taste half bad considering the price.

A photo of the John Lenin memorial (I thought he died in New York)

We went to Halong Bay for a night.

The photos are nice, but the thing I will remember the most is the place where our tourist bus dropped us off so we could buy souvenirs. Just before the bus dropped us off, our guide says to us, "Oh, most of the people here are authentic Agent Orange victims, so you get a first hand chance to see the atrocities of the Vietnam War." How little prepared I was to be suckered into this guilt trip by people walking around with limps, stumps and other deformities. At least the majority of all the profits go to Agent Orange victims. But seriously, is that an appropriate means for a tourist trap; making tourists feel absolutely horrible about the effects from a shitty and experimental form of biological warfare. I don't know, it worked on me (even though I personally was so far removed from the war), I made a donation. And to think...in Hanoi, there is a nightclub called Apocalypse Now. I don't understand if that's an attempt at humour, or is it to draw tourists in by referencing the movie, or what....

At Halong Bay, I saw a dragon's den. Really.... a dragons home. Saw some boats....chinese junks to be exact. The thing that amazed me is the little old vietnamese ladies who paddle up to your boat and try to sell you items, but not vietnamese items, they try to sell you boxes of oreos and kit kats. Think of that, you are 50 km's away from the nearest city, at a world reknowned UNESCO site, embraced for its solitude, and a little old lady is trying to sell you western snacks. (*In vietnam, it seemed that old women do all the manual labour in the country. I did not see one man do any physical labour while I was there.)

In Hanoi, we went to a bar where frumpy white girls hang out with Vietnamese guys in leather jackets. It was probably a bordello of some sort. These girls would be groping and kissing the guys, while the guys would look more than disinterested and have expressions smeared on their faces that looked like they were being kissed by their grandmothers.

Emmy Lou Harris is a drunk...she told me herself.

We then went down to Hue and took a sleeper train. It was awesome, in a sick sort of way. The room we had had four beds in it, with the top two beds being assigned to individuals. However the bottom two beds were assigned to four people each. So count that....thats 10 people in an 8' x 8' room. Its a good thing we got the top beds.

After Hue, we went to Hoi An. I got three tailor made suits there. One of them is cream coloured linen. When the fuck am I going to wear a cream coloured linen suit. Needless to say, I got a little overzealous in my suit shopping.

We got back in Singapore on the 24th of February, and then on the 28th I left to go by myself to Phuket, Thailand. I stayed there three nights. Got drunk with some 60 year old english ship merchants that wouldn't stop talking about George Michael, played connect four with some prostitutes, and learned how to speak a little Thai from a pimp named Mr.P......you know, the usual.

I took a boat over to Ko Phi Phi and stayed there for a few days. Got food poisoning the first night because I ate a place where the cooks and servers all had dreads. It serves me right to even attempt trusting dirty hippies in the simple task of cooking me a meal that wouldn't involve me getting sick. I hate dirty thai hippies soo much now. So I was bed ridden for a day and a half and I thought I was going to die from a mixture of leaking too much from my bum and mouth. Too much info, I know, but it does no justice for describing how I felt. I mean, this was probably the sickest I have been in 10 years. But it passed. When I got better, I went snorkelling with a boat tour. It was nice because there were only 5 tourists on the boat. The snorkelling was nice, but there was one thing that ruined it for me......it was the 2 Swedish girls on my boat with tattoos of scorpions. Why? What cultural significance do scorpions represent to them? Is it Sweden's national animal? I don't know for certain, but Im going to have to guess no. I just don't understand why these two pretty swedish girls had to get the urge to leave these indelible impressions on there bodies that say nothing about them. If anything they just look like trashy prostitutes. Matts Sundin would not approve. That evening I went to an amateur Muay Thai fighting event where people from the audience get shitfaced, sign up to fight, and then beat the shit out of (or get the shit beaten out of by) a stranger. It was amazing...and barbaric.

My room in Phi Phi.

I flew to Bangkok the next day.

Walked around, got drunk with a tuk-tuk driver and then did karaoke with him, saw some things that I kind of wish i didn't see....and that about sums up Bangkok.

Everything in Thailand has a perverted name.....Bangkok, Phi Phi (pronounced pee pee), Phuket (pronounced poo-get...but phonetically, it would be much worse)....and the rest...

Im back in Singapore now; practicing to be a cat for my next life.

Three Weeks

2008-02-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

So Ive been here for three weeks now and its still humid. Or I could start this blog entry off like Billy Crystal in Throw Mama from the Train and say 'The night was moist."...but I don't support Billy Crystal anymore. Actually, I never have. Anne Ramsey stole the show in that movie and thats why I like it. But...Im getting off topic.

I went to Bali on the 25th with Peishan. Reminded me of Morocco with all the markets and people forcing you to buy crap by shoving it in you face. But the scenery makes up for it. Beautiful Rice Paddie fields (which I never really knew what they were until I saw them), mountains and beaches. Mind you, even though the beaches are long stretches of white sand, they are covered with litter and impoverished people trying to rent you an old beach chair to sit on for an hour.

The hotels were amazing....stocked mini-bars, private gardens...and all for ridiculously low prices. I guess thats why it makes one feel so guilty to exploit a weak dollar for lavish purposes. However, the over-indulgence of food and drink blocks out the guilt for the time spent there.

We took a tour of Bali with our trusted tour guide, Rudy. Rudy loves life. Rudy loves his wife. Rudy loves taking people around Bali all day for a nominal price, while making you stop at tourist traps to buy over-priced goods. This didn't bother me in the slightest....because i didn't really buy anything at these places (because I bought my shit at the markets where I good negotiate the prices for dirt cheap)...

Rudy took us to a restaurant overlooking Mount Batur...which is a volcano that is still spewing ashes. The point of mentioning this is what happened in the restaurant. The server, noticing that I look different, asked me where I come from. I told him Canada. He replies, oh like Bryan Adams. I say exactly. He pulls out my chair to sit me and waves his hand like a magician saying, "Everything I do, I do it for you." He waits 8 more seconds and points to the mountain in front of us and says, "Heaven". Wow. Not only is this guy describing his services, the scenery around me, but hes also talking to me on a cultural level that we can both understand. Oh if Bryan Adms only knew how his songs bring people together.

Watching television in one of the hotel rooms, I saw a commercial for Deal or No Deal - Indonesia. This blew my mind in thinking what denominations are actually in those cases because 1 Canadian Dollar is roughly 10000 Indonesian Rupiahs. So whats the highest case? Does it Contain 10 billion of one currency? (which would be million canadian dollars) I would lose my fucking mind if I won 10 billion of something, even knowing that its 1 million canadian.....the sheer number is too hard for my little mind to comprehend...therefore, I would lose it.

Peishan worked a sweet deal to rent a villa for one night which consisted of an entire villa with a private pool. It was incredible. We even ordered room service (vegetarian pizza mind you) to make us feel like royalty. Did I mention all the hotels had mini bars? With beer in them!....cheap beer! Needless to say, I rather enjoyed Bali, and probably for all the wrong reasons.

Im back in Singapore and ive done lots of stuff the past 10 days, but I don't feel like writing anymore right now.

2008-01-24T19:13:00.000-08:00

2008-01-24T19:09:00.000-08:00

2008-01-24T19:05:00.000-08:00

That flight attendant (Was his name Gary?) Is on fire!!! - by Dave Eggers

2008-01-20T23:34:00.004-08:00

Have you heard this guy, the flight attendant? You've been asleep, but he's on fire! Listen to this guy! Yeah, the guy making his way down the aisle with the snacks for the passengers - I think his name is Gary. Did you hear what he just said to the pair of young women in Row 14? He said, "Hey, you guys, do you want some cookies?" And when they said, "Sure", he said, "You do? You want some cookies? You want me to toss my cookies?" And then he threw them the packages of cookies. Holy shit, it was funny. You didn't hear that? It was awesome. The girls loved it. I loved it. You don't get it, do you? See, he was actually throwing the cookies to them, but when he warned them, he said he was going to toss his cookies, which is a euphemism for vomiting. Vomiting's funny, man! C'mon, dude. And it's doubly funny when you're on a plane, because sometimes people vomit on planes. Oh man, that one went way over your head. Whatever. Oh wait. Hear that? He just did a perfect Cookie Monster imitation. Hear it? It was flawless. Wow. He really has presence, you know? There's something a man like that has, something intangible - you can't learn a gift like that. You're born with it, and you just have to hone it, I guess. He's the same one who did the intro earlier. Remember? He got on the intercom and interspersed jokes between the directions about flotation devices and seatbelts? Remember when he said, "In case of a water landing, your suede boots are toast"? I thought I was gonna spit out my tomato juice. He did it in kind of a gay voice, which is always really funny, to be making the voice of a gay person, like how they all talk. And to be thinking about suede boots at a time like that would be so absurd . That's why it's funny, you know? Because it's so crazy to be thinking about boots if you were crash-landing in an ocean. I wonder what he'll say next. A guy like that, his mind must run at a different speed from the rest of ours. Like some kind of supercomputer of humour. I'm so glad that this airline encourages its flight attendants to be crazy characters, you know? To personalise their announcements and to joke around. It livens things up, makes your day brighter, makes the flight more memorable. One time on this same airline, I had a flight attendant who made such a good joke. Once we had taken off, she said, We're now on our way to Nova Scotia, enjoy the flight." And the funny part was that the flight was actually going to Miami, which isn't anywhere near Nova Scotia. Everyone on the plane sort of freaked out for a second, and then, when she let us off the hook, everyone laughed and sighed with relief. We didn't want to be going to Greenland, or wherever that is! It's cold there, and we were headed somewhere warm! We all had a big laugh about that one; for the next four hours of the flight, I kept finding myself chuckling, thinking of the great joke she played on us. But she wasn't as good as this fella. This guy's got something special. Oops - there he goes again. You hear that? He said, "I'm sorry everyone, but your flight attendant buttons don't work tonight. If you need something, please tell me once we land and I'll do my best to help you." That's so perfect, because obviously he can't help people with, say, a pillow, once we've already landed! So he's jerking our chain again! Like, avoiding working on the flight! Man, I hope he never stops, because every time he interrupts the music or the movie or wakes me up when I'm trying to sleep - every time that overloud intercom busts through my fuzzy fragile consciousness, I think, "Oh wow, I can't wait to hear what he says! I cannot motherfucking wait for one goddamn more second to hear what Gary has to say!

Hey yooo..yo..yo...hold up....

2008-01-17T19:10:00.001-08:00

Im in a hotel in Singapore right now. I should be sleeping because ive been up the past two days, but my mind won't stop chugging away.

I left Toronto on a flight to Newark, New Jersey with nothing too eventful happening along the way. But, New Jersey was funny. The first thing i noticed was the difference between toronto security officers and the ones working in Newark. The ones in toronto acted very professional, gave me my pat down, did there routine, and it was done. The security crew in Newark was a bunch of kids; A hispanic dude with penciled on facial hair that would make prince proud; a black dude that just kept giggling, and a sassy black woman that resembled Mo'nique a little too well..(No Soul Plane reference intended). The hispanic dude kept saying that I looked like his friend, and kept on calling me by this guys name, while the other guy agreed that I look like him. Mo'nique gave me a little, "Mmm-hmmmm" when I walked through the metal detector, as if by making that sound she lets the world know that shes on top of everything. And hispanic prince kept calling me by his friends name. I'd like to give him a real-raspberry beret.... by cracking his skull open. (I thought that was soo funny at the time)

So, I get on the flight, and I find out its 18 hours. I didn't know why I never bothered to ask, or even look at my ticket prior to this, but I was kind of shocked and scared that I wouldn't be able to do it without having a seizure or panic attack. BTW...Singapore airlines is the best and everyone should take it once in their lives....anyways, I get put beside this nice old lady, who looks over me and says, "All right boy, whats your story?" ....I told her my damage, she told me hers, and that was it...until her gas set in. I swear it was like clockwork. Every half an hour, the most noxious gas would escape her rectum and make its way up my nose...making it nearly impossible to sleep or even live (considering we were in an airtight compartment together). I eventually did fall asleep for I don't know how long. But, i woke up in a panic..and I yelled out, "Harry Nillson sings that song!!!". And old lady beside me asks, "What the hell are you talking about?" The people in the row in front of me also turned around with a disapproving gaze.

So I get to this country, and the airport is wicked. (and not even on a relative scale, considering I just came from the dodgiest airpot in little jersey) I wrote on my customs card that i planned to stay in the country for 40 days. When I gave it to the officer, she laughed and said "you can only stay here for 30 days for a temporary visa...here, Ill just change it." I heard its a federal offence punished by caneing to overstay your visa here, but with customs guards enforcing it like that make caneing seems like a sensual massage. Get my euphemism...sensual.

Oh, I got on the transit, and some guy had horrible poo-breath...but thats not the story. After being on the transit for about 15 minutes, some guy sat beside me and his breath smelt like sawdust and it was awesome. I think that if you are on public transit and someones breath makes your day, then you should publicly say it in front of everyone that this guy has great breath, to both make him feel good and to indirectly let poo-breaths of the world know that they don't belong.

i walked around this morning through a few malls and i saw this magical sign identifying, "Karaoke, Bowling, Cinema...this way"...so I guess I know where I will be spending the majority of my time when im here. However, i want it to be all three at the same time...like im singing footloose....and watching it..all the while picking up spares....actually that sounds pretty shitty. Forget i said anything.

Bye for now....

Simply the best

2007-12-23T17:51:00.001-08:00

Grace Jones

2007-10-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

House of Cosby

2007-09-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

Back in Tack

2007-09-04T15:54:00.000-07:00

So its been a whole 14 months since I’ve been home. It was great to see everyone, and it’s true what they say about the heart growing fonder.

On the flight back I sat beside an old man who looked liked he suffered from JOMS (Jovial Old Man Syndrome). His eyes kept trying to meet mine, looking for a green light for conversation. Not wanting to be rude I would just flash him my hazards with a simple, “This movie I’m going to watch looks great,” entertaining some conversation while leaving a trail of breadcrumbs hinting at him that…I don’t want to talk for much longer. His bald head and bulbous check bones made him look like an ice cream cone ready to melt stories on to me of past recessions or his time in the war, but I wasn’t in the mood for that.

Oh, having JOMS would be one of the syndromes I wouldn’t mind having in the slightest. Even though it’s fictitious, it sounds like a great way to go through life. Telling people on planes that you have a disease, sparking some interest from a fellow traveler, building up a heartfelt story and then smashing it down with the punch line by describing what the acronym means. Oh, I would have fun in my old age.

But, I would much rather have the gift of flight. Then I could visit my friends anytime I wanted.

The food on the flight was interesting. Satisfying, considering how hungry I was, yet sadly meager in quality, quantity and presentation. However, they do get a B – in their attempt at putting a classy spin on such an average meal. By this I mean, by putting pesto and cranberries on a turkey sandwich. That was redeeming, but as I ate the sandwich I thought about distribution. Distribution of the contents on my sandwich, like Robert DeNiro in Casino yelling at the cook for the distribution of berries in a muffin. I don’t really care to tell you the truth, I just think about what was going through someones head at the time when they were putting the cranberries on because they only put them on one side of the fucking bun. I can understand that a job as an Air Canada line cook isn’t the most glamorous job, however it isn’t too demanding of a responsibility to evenly spread the cranberries on a sandwich so you get a little bit in each bite as opposed to a mouth full of cranberries as a surprise at the end of your sandwich----(have you ever put 15 cranberries in your mouth at once…it sucks) I think the person who made the sandwich would have been better suited at something that requires one to make things less even spread and more conglomerated into specified niches. Like he could have been Mother Natures personal assistant designing owl habitats in forests ...but I guess that job was taken and the only thing left over was …well, “sandwich catering services for the Canadian airline industry.” A good second choice.

That man beside me was probably just flying to Edmonton to visit his son, or his grandkids. I should have made more of an effort to talk. My lack of conversation forced him to watch Surf's Up. But, I was lazy. Lazy thinking about JOMS.

With an eruption of frigid air, blowing like a torch on my head, the roof of the plane ripped off creating an airborne convertible. The chaos of the screaming flight attendants abruptly stopped as they were thrust up through the lack of ceiling by the split second change in cabin pressure. My senses twisted my spine not only from the engines of air thrusting a certain way through the fuselage, but from the man beside me calmly gripping his seat asking someone something. I could see that he wasn’t talking to himself, for he was talking with the air rushing in; serenely asking for a way out. Cyrus clouds ripped through my ear drums and coated my body in dense fear. I gasped for breathes searching for my air mask, for it had eluded me. There was not a roof anymore, subsequently creating a lack of place to store an air mask, I gave up on my quest for survival. And with a jarring thump it happened. We landed, I woke up and then I died. I landed in Edmonton, on my way to Yellowknife. The point of no return. I knew I would be stuck here working for at least another 5 months, in limbo.

I hate Edmonton.

Off to the Knife.

On the flight to Yellowknife, there was a guy dressed up in leather boots, leather tilley hat and....leather fanny pack. And he was french. And he looked like the singer from Crash Test Dummies. Come on now! Even the singer from Crash Test Dummies doesn't want to look like the singer from Crash Test Dummies. L'Alligator Bastard

At least the bugs are gone in Yellowknife.

A mosquito only lives as an adult from 4 to 30 days. They spend the first half of their lives in a metamorphasis state from egg to pupae. That would be like us being in our mom wombs until we are 30, coming out and then dying at 60. I think for mosquitos, when they leave the pupae stage, a clock goes off in their head, or gets triggered and counts down the exact amount of time it took to develop their little creature bodies. It reminds me of one of those traps in the movie SAW, where as soon as your start the game, by reaching for a key, it starts the timer for some stupid head exlploding device or whatever. For mosquitos, its exactly like that. The game triggers as soon as they become an adult. They search around for blood. They find it and eat. Unfortunatley, blood isn't the goal and they all die.

Maybe its the same with humans too.

Lego comes from the Danish phrase Leg godt which measns 'play well'. I read that on wikipedia.

So...Leg Godt

Pregnant Librarian Party......

2007-08-19T16:50:00.000-07:00

Last night we had our party. Last night was the best party in history. We rented out the Elks hall, invited a few people and played our music. The bar was jammed to capacity by midnite. Thanks to all who showed.

I got you Christopher Pike.....

2007-06-21T20:28:00.000-07:00

You gotta love the pants I have on that only an autistic 40 year old would wear.

Just for Kicks

2007-06-17T21:43:00.000-07:00

Nothing is more rewarding to me than getting a good action shot of me kicking in the air. I don't know if its my obsession with David Lee Roth, or the fact that is really cool looking, but one things for certain, and that's that kicks in the air rock.

Regular Occurance

2007-06-17T21:37:00.000-07:00

Isn't this the most beautiful thing you've ever seen in your life. Now that its warm outside, its a regular occurance seeing people passed out all over the city.

PS. Am I the only one that wants to eat cottage cheese after looking at this photo?

2007-06-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

Do you ever think when Hal Johnson's wife yells at him, he says, "Gee Joanna, you're being awfully Mc-LOUD!!"?

Things to Do in Yellowknife

2007-06-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

With the Summer months quickly approaching, we must take advantage of the much anticipated radiance before the season evades us. So I make a list of ideas for people like me and you to do on summer weekends in the great City of Yellowknife. Until winter comes and fists us.

1) Play kill the tree with the hatchet
"A cathartic blend of leatherface mixed with Daniel Stern from Bushwacked. A delightful treat for the young and wild at heart."

2) Ride a bike
"Live vicariously the life of the Fonz; like only Henry Winkler knows how."

3) Go to 50th Street and hang out
"4 parts goldrange, 3 parts gibberish, 1.5 parts Leisure Cafe, 4 parts corn whisky.....and a dash of crazy lady rubbing her breasts = 1 hell of a good time'

4) Have a BBQ
"Nothing says I love you like a sausage in a bun, but nothing says thats alot of sausage like..... 2 suasages in a bun"

5) Take Photographs of people and/or the landscape
"Some people take pictures because a photo is worth a thousand words. But not if your deaf, dumb and blind."
*On a side note; why did they throw in term 'dumb' with the blind and deaf card. Wasn't their condition bad enough that it didn't warrant being called stupid on top of it. And what if they were really smart inside. Like they were good at chess...but nobody would see it.....however, nobody would be able to teach them chess....nobody would be able to teach them anything. So, in essence, I guess they would be dumb.
**On a further side note: Forget what i just said.

6) Go for a run
"Enjoy the sunshine with a run around old town, and cool down with a walk around Niven Lake trail......Im Hal Johnson...and this is Bodybreak"

7) Search for Bears
"I like Bears....you can find them at the li'bearie'...eating straw'bear'ies...listening to chuck 'bear'ie...really loud which is un'bear'able in a place where people are supposed to 'bear'ly make noise....its just em'bear'assin for the bear to bear all that rudeness"

8) Eat Bugs
"Eat Bugs"

9) Go boating
" Kayak is a type of boat. Kaya was the name of Willows wife. That kid in Willow floated down the river in a wicker basket kind of like a boat. Coincidence.......You tell me!!"

10) Stay inside and write lists on your computer while your roomate watches Deliverance in the next room and you can hear a crazy guy play the banjo, but can't really see it because your sitting around the corner typing.
"?"

11) Eat Cheese
"Got any cheese? - Jaleel White"

12) Play Tennis
"Tennis is good for the following reasons :
a) It keeps you strong
b) It keeps you smart
c) Its good for your body
d) Its good for your heart
e) You can hit stuff

13) Go camping
"Same reason as Number #1"

Outro-----------------------------
Sung in the style of an 80's rapper:
YK FUN RAP
"So if your bored and got nothing to do
Just be the playa' don't be no fool
Grab yo' ticket and take a ride
so read the list and you'll do just fine

Yk activities is the song
Grab your friends and hum along
Camp, chop, eat...what a delight?
Kill that bear..Thats out of Site!!!!"

If you have read this far....you have far too much time on your hands.

Long time no see

2007-06-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

Hello blog. Nice to see you again. I know its been awhile, but i still love you blog. You know your the only one for me. You're my eternal blog. I know they have facebook and myspace which are all so tempting, but I only want you blog. You're my baby. You treat me right and I only neglect you. Well I promise, I won't be such a horrible man anymore. C'mon blog. Give me a second chance. I need you.

Well now that I got that out....

I haven't posted anything in a while because i think i was in a catatonic state for the past two months and Im just coming out of it. What have I been up to...lets see. Lots of outdoor activites going on...hiking, fishing...you name it. Im yet to catch a fish...but I bought a really cool fishing rod with a disclaimer on the handle that says , "Warning, parts of this rod are deemed to be carcinogenic by the State of California." Isn't that wicked. And Canadian Tire just sells them...I wonder if that was Arnold's idea to put that disclaimer on. He probably told the company...'d'airs a bammb in dat rod....get down'.....so they put on the disclaimer based on that. What am I even talking about.....

Ben might buy a house soon. Which will be wicked because then I will have a place to store my snowmobile (once I buy it). Then I can actually start my gang (which I have full intentions of actually doing, and im not just saying that to be funny because there is nothing funny about lying about starting a gang.) My nickname will be icepick and my symbol....will be a huskie. It will be nice to have a yard that I can fill up with boats and other machines.

If Ben buys a house, it will most likely be a trailer. And if Im going to be living in a trailer, I got to dress and act the part. I was thinking of acting like Bob from LaBamba..Richies wild, older brother. I would talk like him, drink Jack Daniels like him, get drunk and break down doors like him...Im really looking forward to this. But seriously...Im cooped up. Really cooped. Im really cooped up in this apartment.

I want to sleep. I haven't had a full nights sleep in months. I put a blanket over my window but i still wake up around 4 am like clockwork. And the light outside will only get worse...well, until solstice, which is in 2 weeks.

I play softball now. Im on a team. Fun.

I can't force myself to buy a digital drumkit like I said I was going to do before. They cost almost 4000 dollars and my brain tells me that Im an idiot if I spend that much on a piece of electronic equipment. However, Im an idiot most of the time, so I think I'll just buy it and deal with my scruples later.

Im bored with this post. But I need to get back into it...so i keep this one as a practice.

Chuck and the Monkey

2007-04-17T21:00:00.001-07:00

Carnivale

2007-03-25T15:04:00.000-07:00

So, this was my first full weekend back from my trip. Caribou Carnival occurred this week on the frozen Frame Lake behind my work. It was interesting for about 45 minutes, for the events and food vendors. One thing that was worth noting was the Dog fashion show which involved contestants showcasing their pooches in fashionable garb.
The only thing that made it interesting was that one of the contestants was wearing the same outfit as her dogs. I wonder how many decades ago it was when she gave up on the concept of shame. Probably when disco died. One of the dogs was wearing booties, which makes me smile. I think anything that is wearing something that they can’t put on themselves is funny. Like a turtle with a crown, or a cat with leg-warmers.

I also watched the beginning of the dog sled races that are going on up here. I never realized how smooth the dog sleighs run, and how thin the dogs are that are used for the sport. It’s like little fur covered Tracey Gold’s are pulling these sleds.

On a side note since I used the word ‘smooth’, when I was at Universal Studios in Japan, I went to this live show called Hollywood Monster’s Rock n Roll Show and it blew my mind away by how ridiculous it was. There was one part of it where Frankenstein came up from the stage with a fake guitar and sang the song ‘Smooth’ by Rob Thomas and Santana. I can’t describe it any better than that. All I know is that I had never laughed so hard before in my entire life until…..the next scene in the show where Dracula came down from the rafters by a cable and sang “Livin la Vida Loca.” I mean this is for real. And the crowd ate it up. Oh yeah, the show was hosted by Japanese Beetlejuice, which was a real treat.

There was also an event called the “Ugly Truck and Dog” Competition where people enter dilapidated vehicles to win cold hard cash and prizes….and honour (I think). But, you got to love how they throw in the word dog because it seems that the prerequisite for all events is that they have to involve dogs.

The food was alright, but I was looking to eat a big fucking Muskox burger when I got there, but they didn’t have any. All they had were Johnsonville brats (which are delicious because of the perfect blend of garlic and spices) to serve people which I think is Bull-stuff. How authentic is eating a pig that was probably raised in Middle America and then shipped up here in cellophane wrapper? I want to eat a piece of Yellowknife or at least an animal that used to live here.

I went to the bar last night, and it was full of what looked like pregnant 15 year olds. You know, I just really love it when they are in their first trimester. I’m just going to clarify that last statement by saying I’m being sarcastic for people who did not pick up the fact that I’m a smarmy jerk who makes fun of everything for personal amusement. But really, they was lookin’ real nice.

Ben and I are going to Calgary in a couple weeks for Easter weekend. It’s going to be a 20 hour roadtrip, followed by endless shopping and debauchery. I’m going to sit on a patio for an entire day when I get there. Patios are Gods way of saying, “It’s alright to fart while you’re drinking at the bar because you’re outside!!”

I’m going to start a band when I get back from Calgary. I’m going to buy a digital drumkit when I’m down there and rock the shit out of it. My band is going to be a cross between Prince and Rush…and I’m going to call it the Prince of Russia….and it’s just going to be me playing drums and screaming (maybe in Russian). They are going to have to invent a new genre of music after everyone hears me. You may think I’m joking about this, but my shame was left at the door with dressed up dog lady. I just came up with my first song called, “Mosc….owwwch that hurt!”

I had a dream a couple days ago where I had a birthday party and I invited Christopher Lloyd. He came to the party dressed as Doc, and I kept asking him, “Is Robert Zemekis a nice guy.” And Chris (we were on a first name basis by this point) would respond with,” He’s a nice enough guy, but too immature, he was always giggling and screwing up the takes.” And that’s it. That was my dream.

Happy Days

2007-03-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

Tokyo is an amazing, huge and ugly city with excellent transit and horrible scenery. But there is a lot to do and see, especially on a Sunday in Yo-yogi park where the rockabilly dancers come out and break down to Jive Bunny. You just know that these guys are Salary men Monday to Friday and are just letting out some steam every Sunday by pretending that they’re fucking Henry Winkler.

In Harajuku,Tokyo the young girls and transvestites love all the attention and will let you take a picture with them.

Sausage Baby Culture

2007-03-18T12:44:00.000-07:00

Sausage Babies are big in Japan.
Actually, anything with a babies face on it is big in Japan. Be it a Banana or a hot dog, babies faces will be put on it. The little girls would call this ‘kawaii’ which means cute and say it about 12 times over and over again as they look at it. When I was in line for Jurassic Park the ride at Universal Studios Japan there was a group of four school girls that would take turns putting on this Hello Kitty headband with ears attached to it. Every time one of them would put it on, the other three girls would chant ‘Kawaii’ about 8 times, and say nothing else. So the literal translation would be ‘cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute…” you get it. Then they would pass the ears on to another girl in the group and go through the same process. I could understand saying cute once to show how you might think something looks nice on someone else, but having prescribed chanting sessions seems more like they are trying to convince the person wearing the Hello Kitty headband that they are adorable. BTW, Jurassic Park the ride was actually pretty good….but you have to buy a poncho at the gates for 300 yen. Mechanical dinosaurs rock, especially when they are programmed to be jerks and spit water at the Japanese lady who is sitting in front of you on the ride. Yusss

Icons

2007-03-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

In Japan, celebrities do not exist. Well they do, but not in the sense of the North American term. Basically once a celebrity has been around for a while and has made their mark, they become an icon. This is the difference; North America has celebrities, Japan has icons. Once they hit this status they can basically do anything they want, from going on television shows for no reason and talking about what they had for lunch the day before, to advertising vending machine coffee.

To think that was once Al Gores roommate in Harvard.

Snowmobiles are Loud!

2007-02-15T19:50:00.001-08:00

New Post

2007-02-12T19:56:00.000-08:00

There is an open mic night here on wednesdays and I need to come up with some material to play for the show. Im thinking medleys. If anyone has a suggestion you think I should play, please enlighten me.
This week was busy. I went to (count it) 2 surprise b-day parties this weekend. I haven't been to a surprise birthday in as long as I can remember, because I can't remember. I had no idea that one of the parties was going to be a surprise party so it was kind of like a surprise party for me. Even though they were people I didn't know, and I was one of the people saying surprise. I still felt special. You know, its kind of weird yelling 'surprise' at a party when you do not know the person you are yelling surprise for. Or I guess I was yelling it at them. It kind of made me feel like a fake and yelling 'surprise' was one big fake-out.
I don't have anything important to write about. Nothing ever goes on here thats too exciting. The Northern Lights were supposed to be shining bright tonite, but now its cloudy. Stupid mo-fo clouds ruining my night.
Im going to Japan in 12 days which is pretty exciting. I have to start my itinerary sometime in the next 12 days. As well as get travel insurance and a fanny pack. I used to have this really rad Bart Simpson fanny pack back in the days where Simpsons merchandise saturated the market. Now, I don't even think they make that stuff anymore. It's probably because nobody thinks a shirt with Bart Simpson saying "Im Bart Simpson, Who the Hell are you?" is rebellious anymore. Ha. I once had a friend with that shirt in elementary school, but before he could wear it to school, his mom bleached out the 2 L's in hell and replaced them with "ck" so it said heck instead.
Snowmobiles are loud, and I made a movie about them.

My Saturday Nights in Yellowknife!

2007-02-04T11:25:00.001-08:00

Shark Attack

2007-01-29T06:55:00.000-08:00

The Greatest Band ever...for the minute and a half they lasted

2007-01-24T21:10:00.000-08:00

It's usually a good thing when you have a party and people leave alot of booze behind. Well, not for me...especially if I happen to find a yellow jumpsuit at the thrift store.

Passing Out

2007-01-21T19:38:00.000-08:00

It seems everytime I get really intoxicated, I pass out. The first photo is from last night. We had a party. If you zoom in, you will notice that my face is covered with chocolate. I faintly remember eating it; not smearing it on my face, and subsequently passing out from the sugar crash.
I used the magic bullet for the party and it stole the show. I made pina coladas, a roasted red pepper dip and other treats in the blending device. My sister told me to make a 'spread with the bullet, and create another 'spread' on the table with things that can be dipped and the goal was for someone to say, "Nice spread Mark." I achieved that goal. Its a good thing my goals have some sort of validity to them and that I aim them so high.
The other photo was from a couple of months ago. I have another photo somewhere of me passed out on all the shoes in the apartment, but I can't find it. Its a good thing Ben has the sense to take my picture when im in my best condition.
We recieved a noise complaint last night in regards to our party. Bens blog sums it up nicely, and I suggest you read it.

Vulcans

2007-01-17T19:35:00.000-08:00

I just booked a trip to go to Japan for my holidays. Im flying into Osaka, and meeting up with my sister for a few days. Ill take a bus down to Sasebo and visit Hitoshi Murakami. Im then going to ride around on a train and get lost in a country where i don't know the culture or the language for three weeks. It's going to be great. The weird thing is, half of Yellowknife consists of Japanese tourists travelling here to catch a glimpse of the Northern Lights and I have never associated with any of them. Maybe i should, and then ask them for insider tips.

A drive was taken outside of City limits to watch the Northern Lights. Was s'nice! It looked like the sky was bleeding green blood. Like Predator's, but not as bright. More like Vulcan blood. Hey...it did come from the sky...maybe the northern lights are just patches of vulcan blood floating in space. Thats the dumbest thing I've ever said.

An inside glimpse of the Gold Range

2007-01-14T12:40:00.000-08:00

There isn't one depressing thing about this photo.

I have no brain

2007-01-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

Yess! Nothing like a government worker doing a solid weekend of effective binge drinking. The North will never be the same and neither will my brain. Just the regular shit happened this weekend, you know; drank too much, ate chinese food in the middle of the night; got molested by a crazy woman at the range.....you know, just the regular stuff.
If anybody wants to see a funny show, rent or buy the dvds for 'Thats My Bush'. It will make you laugh. Well, it made me laugh.
Its -40 outside. This is what everybody looks for when they move here. The locals like to use phrases like, "You haven't experienced Yellowknife until you experienced -40 weather." Yeah, well it is an experience. So is getting raped by a wolf. They are all experiences. Not neccessarily good, but an experience to remember. (The weather that is- I forgotten all about that time when that wolf raped me)
The occupants of my apartment (me and ben) are having a party next week and its going to be awesome. An ecclectic myriad of individuals will be in attendance, from the entire division at work, to random people around town. We have foosball, darts and beer pong to keep ourselves occupied and to assist in our drinkig rituals.
Today is January 14th....this is the exact 6 month anniversary of my move to Yellowknife. Congratulations Mark. Keep up the good work. Remember TEAM- Together Everyone Achieves More. Yess. You hang in there. Keep on trucking.

Cold....

2007-01-11T22:12:00.000-08:00

It was -35 today with a windchill in the mid minus forties. It was the coldest day I've experienced in my life. Tommorrow may take that claim.
Doing laundry today, I noticed a little microcosm of Yellowknife culture bottled into a Ford F-150. Leaving the laundromat, a man is picking up his wife and three kids (from the laundromat) and hes just blaring the theme song for Degeneration X. A wrestling theme song. A ten year old wrestling theme song. And this individual is acting like this is just...regular music. I wanted to take a video of it, but I thought that would be rude, so I just bought some beer and decided to write about it instead.
I learned how to 2-step and Im awesome at it. When I go to the 'Range' I fit right in with all the native-cowboys...which seems like a contradiction in my head......and my head is going to explode in 5...4...3....premature head explosion!~

Super Trek 2007

2007-01-07T14:33:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years from Yellowknife's most formidable male prostitute

2007-01-01T16:19:00.000-08:00

Hot Fuzz

2006-12-29T14:34:00.001-08:00

Vegas - 2 days in 2 minutes

2006-12-27T18:51:00.000-08:00

Beetlejuice

2006-12-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

Today was the first day I ate out in two weeks, and I wouldn't really call it eating out, cause it was KFC. I don't like it when people write in their blogs about stupid shit like what they had for dinner, but Im going to do that because I'll tell it in a funny manner. First off, I waited in line for a good twelve minutes with no acknowledgment of my exisitence then finally after I cleared my throat (and I don't like doing cockface things like that) I got the ladies attention. So I order my meal. I decided to get a salad. Apparently in the KFC native tongue, saying 'large Peach Pecan salad' actually means a small ceaser salad. Well it must, because thats how they interpreted it. Alright so all they have to do to get my meal is dig in the little refridgerator at the front and give me the fucking pre-packaged bowl of salad. But nooo..stupid lady at the register has to wait for the guy in front of me's chicken to cook so she can bag it and give it to him before she reaches in the fridge to get my pre-made/packaged meal that's right in front of her. So the bitch makes me wait another 10 minutes. Im a passive coward, thats why I didn't say anything. And I wasn't in a rush. I just like some common courtesy used, with a little common sense. Anyways while Im waiting, the one redeeming quality of the whole experience makes its way out of the kitchen of the KFC to the front. It was a tiny 3 and a half foot woman who had the exact face of Geena Davis in the movie Beetlejuice, but at the part when Ortho is bringing her back to life in her wedding gown and her face was all shriveled. Yeah, this ladies face looked exactly like that. I wish I had my camera because the resemblance was uncanny. I may go tommorow and take some pics if shes there.
There was another lady who looked weird, but how she looked wasn't funny-weird. It would probably be mean-weird if I described it so I won't. Ah what the hell, she looked like a scientist injected gelatin into her neck to give her neck region a rubberey girth; shot her face with a shotgun and then beat her senseless with a raw turkey. Then the scientist shit in the turkey to make a nice holiday stuffing, allowing the woman to eat it (which she did voluntarily). She digested the poo stuffing and began sweating it out of her pores to give her that awful smell that she exuded throughout the KFC...she smelled like poo heaven.

After writing this im thinking, who the fuck orders a salad from KFC? Im so lame.

New blog feature: Marks Super Question #1
Quick: Name 3 movies where Christopher Lloyd is a villain?

Mammaries

2006-12-19T20:12:00.000-08:00

I have stories from my youth stored in little compartments somewhere around my brain. They're all shuffled around in there, but somedays I like to reach in and pull one out. Its like a vending machine of my formative years. I open up each compartment and laugh at the memory. From pretending there is a monster under my bed named Tumourboggle who reaches out from under the darkness and flaps his arm at me kind of like he's whipping me with a wet towel (that was in university), or dancing to PYT in a bar and recieving free drinks for my skills. Im glad I have these stored someone. But when I look at the compartment from which I grabbed them, I see an expiry date telling me the times have past. An overwhleming rush of nostalgia races through my bloodstream, paining me as it hits my brain, I realize I will never live these moments again.

There is a time through sobriety; through a binge of clarity where your thoughts go ice skating hand in hand with your fondest memories. Circling, water undulating under the surface, those memories turn sour and inevitability forces you to crash through the ice. Now you're dead, and what was that all for?

"We don't have to be mean because, remember no matter where you go, there you are."
- Buckaroo Bonzai

Bad Idea

2006-12-17T21:08:00.000-08:00

I often come up with really bad ideas for ways to pass time, but I think my most recent one tops the cake. I joined an online casino.
AS you can see in the photo, I am playing a video slot called Dogfather. It is an organized crime themed game with dogs. Kind of like a mish mash of the Sopranos and Turner and Hooch....or Scarface and Beethoven. But in this game if something bad happens a St.Bernard doesn't cover up its eyes with two paws that are on sticks. If you know me, you know gambling and myself go together like orange juice and toothpaste. I signed up because I can't go to Vegas this weekend like I was originally intending, which sucks cause now I have to stay here by myself for christmas. But, Ive been doing well on it. I won a couple hundred bucks, but I know myself and thats probably going to go straight back in.
I went to my staff party last night and I drank way too much like usual. I decided it would be a good idea if I was to predrink. That began at noon. A bottle of wine and 5 beers later, it was time to hit the party. I don't know why I do this to myself. My cousin got married in the summer and I predrank for the wedding. Who predrinks for an open bar wedding? Im not going to drink this weekend, not because its Christmas and Im by myself, its just I don't want to be cliche. Drinking alone on Christmas...I might as well call myself Ducky. Ill just gamble.
Im going to make eggs florentine tommorow for breakfast, how wicked is that?

You better name your first born Stephen Christopher...even if its a girl

2006-12-12T11:32:00.000-08:00

I just want to take the oppotunity to wish my good friend David Gall congratulations on his recent engagement.

Gotta watch Whopner!

2006-12-10T21:21:00.000-08:00

My roomate Ben has gone home for three weeks and I have relocated my room to the living room. On friday we curled as usual, but this time was a little different than the other times, for one of our opponents was an autistic man. I have never in my life encountered someone with this conditon, but after close examination of some of the traits this indivdual was displaying, I have come to the conclusion that I may be mildly autisitic for the following reasons:
1) he talked to himself; i talk to myself
2) he was jumping up and down for no reason and running back and forth all the time; i do that
3) he sucked at curling; so do i
4) my favorite season is autumn....autumn has the letters 'aut' and so does autistic...coincidence, probably not
So there you have it. A do it yourself hack diagnosis of my condition.

Yesterday I went to a staff party for the company my friend Lee-Anne works at. I didn't know anyone there, but it served liquor and the food was good. The food was great actually, but there was an unappetizing moment during the administering of my dinner. I noticed a woman who was balding and I also noticed what she had on her plate; just meat and no vegetables. So ladies, if you don't want to go bald, make sure you eat balanced meals with plenty of vegetables. Another diagnosis by me. I should be a doctor. A doctor of intelligence and other stuff.
Diagnosis
Diagnosis Murder
Dick Van Dyke
Mary Poppins
Cherry Poppin Daddies

Hahah, do you remember when swing was big for like a day?

Don't you want to take a....Cruise Trip!

2006-12-10T21:20:00.000-08:00

My skull bank loves mozarella sticks

2006-12-10T16:37:00.000-08:00

My skull bank has an irresistable appetite for mozarella sticks. He just can't get enough of them. Isn't that wacky? You would think that skulls would be obsessed with death and spines and pirates and not....mozarella sticks. He can eat a whole box of them too. I don't even know where they go considering he doesn't have a stomach. I mean, I like mozarella sticks and all, but I think there are much better foods out there to obsess over. Like venison. I would be much happier if my skull liked venison because venison kind of sounds like venom. And skulls are supposed to enjoy venom or associate themselves with anything toxic. There is a picture of a skull on most poisonous things so it would only seem appropriate. Im not going to kick the skull out of the house (like you all might be thinking) but I think I'm just going to learn to accept it and try to understand whats going on in that skulls skull.

My computer/television for 3 weeks

2006-12-09T10:41:00.000-08:00

I want to go to Vegas

2006-12-05T20:12:00.000-08:00

If I can find a cheap flight to Las Vegas from the 22nd to the 26th, I think Im going to take it. I don't want to be here for christmas. I want to be somewhere else.
I watched Double Impact on the weekend. I never noticed that JCVD is credited for the screenplay of the movie, then I started watching and realized, wow what a brilliant writer. There is one part of dialogue where JCVD says and I quote, "Because of my strong legs, and my karate...I can do the splits no problem." And you know what...he does the splits. Now that is how you write a screenplay; by incorporating lines in the movie that force you to do the splits for no reason whatsoever. My favourite part which I hope they explain in the sequel that will never be made is, how come two brothers separated at 6 months old where one grows up in Beverly Hills and the other in Hong Kong both develop thick Flemish accents. I think its because they have magic powers. Well I know he has magical powers; I did see Timecop...duh!
I remember renting the movie "The Quest" which was his directorial debut. I thought it was the highlight of Roger Moores career. I really don't know what else hes been in beside that anyways. I love how in the begginning of the movie he plays an all american kid just doin what every kid does in the 1920's, which is play stick ball and sell newspapers with one of those newsies hats on. Of course he had that thick euro accent, like all kids from coney island had back then.
This post is stupid, Im talking about Jean Claude Van Damme movies and the inconsistencies in the logic, and Im tired. I guess thats the ultimate cue to stop writing.

My Favorite Song

2006-11-30T11:06:00.000-08:00

Robot Television

2006-11-26T21:42:00.000-08:00

2006-11-19T21:28:00.000-08:00

We won our curling game on friday 6 to 1. We swept our asses off and came together as a team. I celebrated by singing some journey at the karaoke bar. One of the ladies in the bar watching me said that I was good, but too timid. I took that as an insult. Im not timid, but rather intimidating, thus making others timid by my prescence. No im not. I don't even know what Im rambling about. We walked 200 metres to another bar after the karaoke was finished, and almost died from the intense cold. I decided againsty wearing my parka that night because I assumed the booze would keep me warm. The bad guy from Under Siege 2 said and I quote, "Assumptions are the mother of all fuck-ups," and he was right in this case. I've been waiting to say that line for who knows how long, and Im glad I got the opportunity. Last night we went to a kegger. There was a fire and a guy fell into it due to his tomfoolery hocus pocus, show jumping over the fire forcing him to go to the hospital. He burned his hand real good. The funny thing, is that I was egging him on to jump over the fire. I hope he's alright. After the kegger, I could barely walk. It was the drunkest I think I've been since I got here. I felt like death this morning, making it to curling practice for 11. I took a nap, and now this mornign feels like it was 3 days ago. I don't get it.
There is a store in the mall that sells katana blade swords for wall decorating purposes. I want one for my office.

Curling and Televisions

2006-11-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

Not too much is happening. I play in a curling league. I hang out with 40 year old government employees on friday nights and I like cheese. We lost our curling game 9-2, but we almost had them. You could see the sweat threading from their brows and the fear in their eyes, as well as the stains on their flannel coats. We were getting inside their heads. I also bought a new plasma tv. Whenever I say that word plasma I think of Michael Morbius from Spiderman, and how he always craved 'Plasma'. He only said that so that he wouldn't frighten the children, because heaven forbid saying 'Blood' is too scary. The best part of buying the tv was the box. Its in my room now acting as an impenetrable wall from intruders. Yeah so what, I made a fort. On Saturday we watched the remembrance day ceremonies on television. I then started drinking at 11:30, listened to the album 'Thriller', then worked out. I almost puked on the treadmill. The reason was probably because I listened to too much Michael Jackson and my little body couldn't take the PYT overload. I watched POTC:TCOTBP on my tv after that. Im talking acronyms now. Yesterday we had a potluck and invited a few people over. We invited our curling/drinking friends, who brought over a coaribou roast. It was soo delicious it made my scrodum tingle. Seriously. Ben and I went on a hike at 10:30 around the town to a place called Willow Flats overlooking Great Slave Lake. We brought 'liquid longjohns' with us aka a flask full of whiskey to warm us up. It was only -17 last night. Apparently that is warm. It's 2:30 on monday now and Im probably going to go to the gym pretty soon, and after that Im going to do a puppet show for myself. Maybe drink some rum too. I don't know.

2006-11-12T23:06:00.000-08:00

Videos

2006-11-02T20:29:00.000-08:00

All my videos are posted here

Pumpkin Carving Contest

2006-10-30T19:59:00.000-08:00

There is a pumpkin carving contest tommorow @ work with a $75 cash prize.
I carved Stephen Harper.

I only made this vid to showcase my pants....

2006-10-29T16:17:00.000-08:00

Insaniquarium

2006-10-28T17:27:00.000-07:00

Superman!

2006-10-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

2006-10-23T20:41:00.000-07:00

On Friday night we went to a party at my future Boss's place. I got loaded, played with a filipino toddler for a bit, then a dog. I wish more toddlers were at parties. Kids are way more fun when you're drunk, so if I ever have kids, Im going to be loaded all the time so I enjoy there company more. No, Im kidding. Im not having kids.
On Saturday we saw Trailer Park Boys. Of course a flask of whisky was brought and poured inconspicuously into cups of cola, to enhance our viewing enjoyment.
After that, I went to a Bar called the Monkey Tree (I have a photo somewhere of it) and danced with 1 cougar and 2-16 year old girls in a group. I think they were 16. It was awkward. We were all dancing together and I think I was supposed to enjoy it, but I couldn't help but feel a little sheepish. But who cares, I was shitfaced.
I have gone 23 days today on my journey of successfully quitting smoking. Just felt like patting myself on the back for that one, and I might pat myself somewhere else tonight. On my head that is. I need to wash my hair because its greasy from the run I went on today. The run that I can now do because I don't smoke...yussss!

We went on a hike on Sunday with hot dogs. We cooked hot dogs over a fire and then we ate them.

"I wonder why Papa Shango became a wrestler...he had a thriving career as a doctor?"

We just got a landline. The number here is 867 920 7501, so if anyone feels like giving me a call, please do. Please.

El Debarge loves music...and Johnny 5.......and sunsets

2006-10-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

I don't have to say anything about this....

2006-10-23T20:35:00.000-07:00

Yellowknife in Summer

2006-10-18T19:11:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken from an aeroplane!

I Carved a Pumpkin Today

2006-10-09T15:11:00.000-07:00

Waterfall Daytrip

2006-10-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

My Baba sent me a package the other day, but it wasn't through CanadaPost. It was through the Russian Mafia network, I think. Its weird. Some Polish guy named Tim came to my place and told me in a thick eastern european accent, "You baba send this to you," I asked him in response, "What?" He told me that my Baba knows a Russian lady who knows a Polish lady who knows Tims mother, who knows Tim in Yellowknife. I guess there is some Eastern european code that I don't know about, but I guess if you have a package that needs to be delivered and you're eastern european, then you have to pass it along the line until it finds its destination. The weird part is that the package was meats and cheeses, and when i got it the items were about 2 degrees celsius, so it was refridgerated. Those crazy Ruskies.
Friday was a wine drinking night. We drank three bottles of wine and then went to the Gold Range for beers. When you go to the Gold Range, you must expect crazy Bull Dykeish women to come and sit down beside you. Because this happens often. I can't remember her name, but she was about 40, dressed neck to toe in denim and had short hair spiked with what looked like Dep. Wicked. Her excuse for sitting down was, "Sorry, I have to sit down." She explained to us that she had worked in that bar for 18 years and then decided she needed a change, so she got a job at the other bar but she still frequents the bar that she used to work at. What a life, living the dream. I
We woke up early on Saturday to make way for a long trip. Since I got a new truck, we decided to make use out of it by going on a road trip. We headed out around 11 and stopped at a couple of places. The first stop was a little native community called Rae. A village of trailers for homes and pickup trucks. Its my kind of place. I bet the girsl there put out, but I didn't test that theory. I don't think they believe in teeth in a place like that. Who need em'. On the road we saw Bison. Lots of Bison. There was a 200 km stretch in the road with nothing but the occasional Bison. No services or driveways or even curves in the road. Just a 200 km stretch lined with trees and sometimes you would see...a Bison. We had to take a ferry to cross the Mackenzie River. Then we drove for another couple hours to find 2 really pretty waterfalls. But, since it took us so long to get there and that it was going to take us a while to get back, we only stayed there for an hour. On the drive back, we almost hit a stupid Bison off the side of road. Stupid Bison. We ate a tiny greasy spoon truck stop on the way back. The food was alright, but the best part about it was this baby that rolled around the restaurant in one of those walkers blowing bubbles and making farting sounds with its mouth. We couldn't help but laugh uncontrollably at it, and the baby loved the attention. The more we would laugh, the louder the farting sounds and the sloppier the bubbles would become. Little fucking comedian. It was also a bit weird that a baby was just rolling around the restaurant. We drank Manhattans when we got back and went to the Range again. Another lady sat with us. She was probably crazy. Everyone here is.
We are going to have a Thanksgiving dinner today in about an hour at Leannes apartment.

We had exactly 12 items in our basket at the grocery store today so we were allowed to go into the express line where 12 items or less are allowed. If we had one more item we wouldn't be allowed and if we tried, we would be refused service and be banned from the store for life. So its a good thing we counted our groceries before we entered the express line. Even if we got a pack of gum, that would make 13 items and we would be banned from the store for life. We need groceries to live. There are 2 other grocery stores, but I like that one. Its a good thing we counted our groceries. I wanted to get a French Press, but the store didn't have any. But if it did, that would make 13 items and we wouldn't be allowed to go into the express line. If we did go into the express line, we would violate the rules and be punished. Punished by banishment. Its a good thing they didn't have any French Presses. They enforce that you know. The 12 items or less rule. If you have less you are fine. If you have more, then oh brother. Wow. They certainly get mad. But not as mad as the person getting punished, because then they get banned and aren't allowed to buy groceries from that store EVER. That would not be good. Thats why I always always count my groceries before entering the express line, and if I have too many then I put the neccessary amount back so that I can follow the 12 or less rules. I could go to the other checkouts, but they aren't express. I need to get out as quick as possble, that why I like the express. I like Pizza Hut and Taco Bell express. But those express lines don't have a limit for how many pizzas or tacos you can purchase. But this express line does. And they don't let you have more than 12 items, but you can have 12. Twelve is the maximum, no more or you get banished for life from the store.

2006-09-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

2006-09-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

2006-09-25T17:49:00.000-07:00

Push it to the Limit

2006-09-25T17:25:00.000-07:00

Im going to send out some post cards in the next couple days. Email me your address if you want me to send a personalized piece of mail to you.

I got attacked by a troll lady on saturday. She bear hugged me from behind on the dance floor at one of the bars here. The trolls work in teams. One of them got to Ben, and tried to eat him. Luckily, he managed to get away. It was clos, but i managed to escape as well. I was a victim of her grasps. A victim of a 4 foot troll's malfeasance. If I didn't get away, I would probably be on a spit right now over a fire and under a bridge.

Yellowknife Trolls have a long and rich history throughout the city, and are infamous for snatching Humans for a tasty dinner. There prescence in the city can be traced back to the mid 19th century where gold miners would mysteriously dissappear from there camps. There was no official documentation of the existence of Trolls until 1938, where the first photograph of a Yellowknife Troll was taken by Lancer McDougall, a British Prospector. Since McDougall's photo, miners became more aware of the dangerous threat Trolls placed upon the Great Slave Region. Troll Posts were set up along campground borders to protect miners from Troll infiltration, but unfortunately these measures were not enough to stop them from kidnapping the miners and stealing there seed to create half human/ half troll babies. Throughout the sixties and seventies and even nineties, trolls have become increasingly more similar in appearance to humans through cross-breeding, allowing them to enter public places undetected. In 2006, an estimated 250 Trolls have left their nests under local bridges in the area, entering bars and nightclubs to feast on younger humans.

Fun with Hatchets

2006-09-12T07:06:00.000-07:00

2006-09-10T18:05:00.000-07:00

Im a Cop you idiot!

2006-09-07T19:28:00.000-07:00

I was almost a cop yesterday. A real cop. I has an assignment to post a notice on a squatters shack telling the occupants to get out. My boss told me that the mission would be dangerous, so I was to go with a municipal enforcement officer. I was to be escorted with the shield in his very own vehicle. Me riding shotgun with the boys in blue. Or black, cause they wear black here. We were to go from downtown to old town to face our suspects. They would give me a govenrment issued gun. Staple gun that is, to post up the notice to warn these low lives to get out of the shacks they are squatting in. It would be dangerous, but they knew I was the man for the job. They knew I could walk the beat and tackle the heat. I was their development officer. If they were to provoke us in any way, I have the training for these situations. I know what the stakes are. When the pressure is on, they know who to call.
Of course at the last minute they said it was a no go for legal reasons and my dreams were shot. All of this was in my head too. This happened at work, but didn't really happen.

Terry and his dumb ideas...he doesn't know anything about kids!

2006-09-04T12:38:00.000-07:00

2006-08-26T22:12:00.000-07:00

I deleted my blog today because i felt like it and i was drunk. So i reposted the videos. Heres a pic to show how drunk and stupid i can get. The proof is in the pudding, and the puddings in my pants.

2006-08-26T22:08:00.000-07:00

2006-08-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

Oh my. Randy and I hung outside of the shoppers drugmart for a couple hours. I supplied him with smokes and he supplied me with stories and company. Randy likes a clean city. Thats why he cleans up the garbage in front of the Panda centre. Empty creamers, ciggarette butts, chocolate bar wrappers..he cleans them all up, because he wants a better future for his city.
I decided to clean up my blog a bit by deleting everything and starting from scratch. I like this template better.