That flight attendant (Was his name Gary?) Is on fire!!! - by Dave Eggers

Have you heard this guy, the flight attendant? You've been asleep, but he's on fire! Listen to this guy! Yeah, the guy making his way down the aisle with the snacks for the passengers - I think his name is Gary. Did you hear what he just said to the pair of young women in Row 14? He said, "Hey, you guys, do you want some cookies?" And when they said, "Sure", he said, "You do? You want some cookies? You want me to toss my cookies?" And then he threw them the packages of cookies. Holy shit, it was funny. You didn't hear that? It was awesome. The girls loved it. I loved it. You don't get it, do you? See, he was actually throwing the cookies to them, but when he warned them, he said he was going to toss his cookies, which is a euphemism for vomiting. Vomiting's funny, man! C'mon, dude. And it's doubly funny when you're on a plane, because sometimes people vomit on planes. Oh man, that one went way over your head. Whatever. Oh wait. Hear that? He just did a perfect Cookie Monster imitation. Hear it? It was flawless. Wow. He really has presence, you know? There's something a man like that has, something intangible - you can't learn a gift like that. You're born with it, and you just have to hone it, I guess. He's the same one who did the intro earlier. Remember? He got on the intercom and interspersed jokes between the directions about flotation devices and seatbelts? Remember when he said, "In case of a water landing, your suede boots are toast"? I thought I was gonna spit out my tomato juice. He did it in kind of a gay voice, which is always really funny, to be making the voice of a gay person, like how they all talk. And to be thinking about suede boots at a time like that would be so absurd . That's why it's funny, you know? Because it's so crazy to be thinking about boots if you were crash-landing in an ocean. I wonder what he'll say next. A guy like that, his mind must run at a different speed from the rest of ours. Like some kind of supercomputer of humour. I'm so glad that this airline encourages its flight attendants to be crazy characters, you know? To personalise their announcements and to joke around. It livens things up, makes your day brighter, makes the flight more memorable. One time on this same airline, I had a flight attendant who made such a good joke. Once we had taken off, she said, We're now on our way to Nova Scotia, enjoy the flight." And the funny part was that the flight was actually going to Miami, which isn't anywhere near Nova Scotia. Everyone on the plane sort of freaked out for a second, and then, when she let us off the hook, everyone laughed and sighed with relief. We didn't want to be going to Greenland, or wherever that is! It's cold there, and we were headed somewhere warm! We all had a big laugh about that one; for the next four hours of the flight, I kept finding myself chuckling, thinking of the great joke she played on us. But she wasn't as good as this fella. This guy's got something special. Oops - there he goes again. You hear that? He said, "I'm sorry everyone, but your flight attendant buttons don't work tonight. If you need something, please tell me once we land and I'll do my best to help you." That's so perfect, because obviously he can't help people with, say, a pillow, once we've already landed! So he's jerking our chain again! Like, avoiding working on the flight! Man, I hope he never stops, because every time he interrupts the music or the movie or wakes me up when I'm trying to sleep - every time that overloud intercom busts through my fuzzy fragile consciousness, I think, "Oh wow, I can't wait to hear what he says! I cannot motherfucking wait for one goddamn more second to hear what Gary has to say!