Death in the Knife

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Location: Canada

Sunday, March 25, 2007


So, this was my first full weekend back from my trip. Caribou Carnival occurred this week on the frozen Frame Lake behind my work. It was interesting for about 45 minutes, for the events and food vendors. One thing that was worth noting was the Dog fashion show which involved contestants showcasing their pooches in fashionable garb.
The only thing that made it interesting was that one of the contestants was wearing the same outfit as her dogs. I wonder how many decades ago it was when she gave up on the concept of shame. Probably when disco died. One of the dogs was wearing booties, which makes me smile. I think anything that is wearing something that they can’t put on themselves is funny. Like a turtle with a crown, or a cat with leg-warmers.

I also watched the beginning of the dog sled races that are going on up here. I never realized how smooth the dog sleighs run, and how thin the dogs are that are used for the sport. It’s like little fur covered Tracey Gold’s are pulling these sleds.

On a side note since I used the word ‘smooth’, when I was at Universal Studios in Japan, I went to this live show called Hollywood Monster’s Rock n Roll Show and it blew my mind away by how ridiculous it was. There was one part of it where Frankenstein came up from the stage with a fake guitar and sang the song ‘Smooth’ by Rob Thomas and Santana. I can’t describe it any better than that. All I know is that I had never laughed so hard before in my entire life until…..the next scene in the show where Dracula came down from the rafters by a cable and sang “Livin la Vida Loca.” I mean this is for real. And the crowd ate it up. Oh yeah, the show was hosted by Japanese Beetlejuice, which was a real treat.

There was also an event called the “Ugly Truck and Dog” Competition where people enter dilapidated vehicles to win cold hard cash and prizes….and honour (I think). But, you got to love how they throw in the word dog because it seems that the prerequisite for all events is that they have to involve dogs.

The food was alright, but I was looking to eat a big fucking Muskox burger when I got there, but they didn’t have any. All they had were Johnsonville brats (which are delicious because of the perfect blend of garlic and spices) to serve people which I think is Bull-stuff. How authentic is eating a pig that was probably raised in Middle America and then shipped up here in cellophane wrapper? I want to eat a piece of Yellowknife or at least an animal that used to live here.

I went to the bar last night, and it was full of what looked like pregnant 15 year olds. You know, I just really love it when they are in their first trimester. I’m just going to clarify that last statement by saying I’m being sarcastic for people who did not pick up the fact that I’m a smarmy jerk who makes fun of everything for personal amusement. But really, they was lookin’ real nice.

Ben and I are going to Calgary in a couple weeks for Easter weekend. It’s going to be a 20 hour roadtrip, followed by endless shopping and debauchery. I’m going to sit on a patio for an entire day when I get there. Patios are Gods way of saying, “It’s alright to fart while you’re drinking at the bar because you’re outside!!”

I’m going to start a band when I get back from Calgary. I’m going to buy a digital drumkit when I’m down there and rock the shit out of it. My band is going to be a cross between Prince and Rush…and I’m going to call it the Prince of Russia….and it’s just going to be me playing drums and screaming (maybe in Russian). They are going to have to invent a new genre of music after everyone hears me. You may think I’m joking about this, but my shame was left at the door with dressed up dog lady. I just came up with my first song called, “Mosc….owwwch that hurt!”

I had a dream a couple days ago where I had a birthday party and I invited Christopher Lloyd. He came to the party dressed as Doc, and I kept asking him, “Is Robert Zemekis a nice guy.” And Chris (we were on a first name basis by this point) would respond with,” He’s a nice enough guy, but too immature, he was always giggling and screwing up the takes.” And that’s it. That was my dream.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Happy Days

Tokyo is an amazing, huge and ugly city with excellent transit and horrible scenery. But there is a lot to do and see, especially on a Sunday in Yo-yogi park where the rockabilly dancers come out and break down to Jive Bunny. You just know that these guys are Salary men Monday to Friday and are just letting out some steam every Sunday by pretending that they’re fucking Henry Winkler.

In Harajuku,Tokyo the young girls and transvestites love all the attention and will let you take a picture with them.

Sausage Baby Culture

Sausage Babies are big in Japan.
Actually, anything with a babies face on it is big in Japan. Be it a Banana or a hot dog, babies faces will be put on it. The little girls would call this ‘kawaii’ which means cute and say it about 12 times over and over again as they look at it. When I was in line for Jurassic Park the ride at Universal Studios Japan there was a group of four school girls that would take turns putting on this Hello Kitty headband with ears attached to it. Every time one of them would put it on, the other three girls would chant ‘Kawaii’ about 8 times, and say nothing else. So the literal translation would be ‘cute, cute, cute, cute, cute, cute…” you get it. Then they would pass the ears on to another girl in the group and go through the same process. I could understand saying cute once to show how you might think something looks nice on someone else, but having prescribed chanting sessions seems more like they are trying to convince the person wearing the Hello Kitty headband that they are adorable. BTW, Jurassic Park the ride was actually pretty good….but you have to buy a poncho at the gates for 300 yen. Mechanical dinosaurs rock, especially when they are programmed to be jerks and spit water at the Japanese lady who is sitting in front of you on the ride. Yusss


In Japan, celebrities do not exist. Well they do, but not in the sense of the North American term. Basically once a celebrity has been around for a while and has made their mark, they become an icon. This is the difference; North America has celebrities, Japan has icons. Once they hit this status they can basically do anything they want, from going on television shows for no reason and talking about what they had for lunch the day before, to advertising vending machine coffee.

To think that was once Al Gores roommate in Harvard.

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