Death in the Knife

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Location: Canada

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Almost two months

In February I went to Vietnam with Peishan. Went to Hanoi, where Peishan was assumed to be a prostitute. (Many tourists and locals in Vietnam automatically assume a white guy traveling with an asian girl means he is paying for her company)
At the same time though as Peishan was being called a hooker, I had a 15 cent pint of beer which did not taste half bad considering the price.

A photo of the John Lenin memorial (I thought he died in New York)

We went to Halong Bay for a night.

The photos are nice, but the thing I will remember the most is the place where our tourist bus dropped us off so we could buy souvenirs. Just before the bus dropped us off, our guide says to us, "Oh, most of the people here are authentic Agent Orange victims, so you get a first hand chance to see the atrocities of the Vietnam War." How little prepared I was to be suckered into this guilt trip by people walking around with limps, stumps and other deformities. At least the majority of all the profits go to Agent Orange victims. But seriously, is that an appropriate means for a tourist trap; making tourists feel absolutely horrible about the effects from a shitty and experimental form of biological warfare. I don't know, it worked on me (even though I personally was so far removed from the war), I made a donation. And to Hanoi, there is a nightclub called Apocalypse Now. I don't understand if that's an attempt at humour, or is it to draw tourists in by referencing the movie, or what....

At Halong Bay, I saw a dragon's den. Really.... a dragons home. Saw some boats....chinese junks to be exact. The thing that amazed me is the little old vietnamese ladies who paddle up to your boat and try to sell you items, but not vietnamese items, they try to sell you boxes of oreos and kit kats. Think of that, you are 50 km's away from the nearest city, at a world reknowned UNESCO site, embraced for its solitude, and a little old lady is trying to sell you western snacks. (*In vietnam, it seemed that old women do all the manual labour in the country. I did not see one man do any physical labour while I was there.)

In Hanoi, we went to a bar where frumpy white girls hang out with Vietnamese guys in leather jackets. It was probably a bordello of some sort. These girls would be groping and kissing the guys, while the guys would look more than disinterested and have expressions smeared on their faces that looked like they were being kissed by their grandmothers.

Emmy Lou Harris is a drunk...she told me herself.

We then went down to Hue and took a sleeper train. It was awesome, in a sick sort of way. The room we had had four beds in it, with the top two beds being assigned to individuals. However the bottom two beds were assigned to four people each. So count that....thats 10 people in an 8' x 8' room. Its a good thing we got the top beds.

After Hue, we went to Hoi An. I got three tailor made suits there. One of them is cream coloured linen. When the fuck am I going to wear a cream coloured linen suit. Needless to say, I got a little overzealous in my suit shopping.

We got back in Singapore on the 24th of February, and then on the 28th I left to go by myself to Phuket, Thailand. I stayed there three nights. Got drunk with some 60 year old english ship merchants that wouldn't stop talking about George Michael, played connect four with some prostitutes, and learned how to speak a little Thai from a pimp named know, the usual.

I took a boat over to Ko Phi Phi and stayed there for a few days. Got food poisoning the first night because I ate a place where the cooks and servers all had dreads. It serves me right to even attempt trusting dirty hippies in the simple task of cooking me a meal that wouldn't involve me getting sick. I hate dirty thai hippies soo much now. So I was bed ridden for a day and a half and I thought I was going to die from a mixture of leaking too much from my bum and mouth. Too much info, I know, but it does no justice for describing how I felt. I mean, this was probably the sickest I have been in 10 years. But it passed. When I got better, I went snorkelling with a boat tour. It was nice because there were only 5 tourists on the boat. The snorkelling was nice, but there was one thing that ruined it for was the 2 Swedish girls on my boat with tattoos of scorpions. Why? What cultural significance do scorpions represent to them? Is it Sweden's national animal? I don't know for certain, but Im going to have to guess no. I just don't understand why these two pretty swedish girls had to get the urge to leave these indelible impressions on there bodies that say nothing about them. If anything they just look like trashy prostitutes. Matts Sundin would not approve. That evening I went to an amateur Muay Thai fighting event where people from the audience get shitfaced, sign up to fight, and then beat the shit out of (or get the shit beaten out of by) a stranger. It was amazing...and barbaric.

My room in Phi Phi.

I flew to Bangkok the next day.

Walked around, got drunk with a tuk-tuk driver and then did karaoke with him, saw some things that I kind of wish i didn't see....and that about sums up Bangkok.

Everything in Thailand has a perverted name.....Bangkok, Phi Phi (pronounced pee pee), Phuket (pronounced poo-get...but phonetically, it would be much worse)....and the rest...

Im back in Singapore now; practicing to be a cat for my next life.

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