Death in the Knife

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Location: Canada

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Sunday, January 20, 2008

That flight attendant (Was his name Gary?) Is on fire!!! - by Dave Eggers

Have you heard this guy, the flight attendant? You've been asleep, but he's on fire! Listen to this guy! Yeah, the guy making his way down the aisle with the snacks for the passengers - I think his name is Gary. Did you hear what he just said to the pair of young women in Row 14? He said, "Hey, you guys, do you want some cookies?" And when they said, "Sure", he said, "You do? You want some cookies? You want me to toss my cookies?" And then he threw them the packages of cookies. Holy shit, it was funny. You didn't hear that? It was awesome. The girls loved it. I loved it. You don't get it, do you? See, he was actually throwing the cookies to them, but when he warned them, he said he was going to toss his cookies, which is a euphemism for vomiting. Vomiting's funny, man! C'mon, dude. And it's doubly funny when you're on a plane, because sometimes people vomit on planes. Oh man, that one went way over your head. Whatever. Oh wait. Hear that? He just did a perfect Cookie Monster imitation. Hear it? It was flawless. Wow. He really has presence, you know? There's something a man like that has, something intangible - you can't learn a gift like that. You're born with it, and you just have to hone it, I guess. He's the same one who did the intro earlier. Remember? He got on the intercom and interspersed jokes between the directions about flotation devices and seatbelts? Remember when he said, "In case of a water landing, your suede boots are toast"? I thought I was gonna spit out my tomato juice. He did it in kind of a gay voice, which is always really funny, to be making the voice of a gay person, like how they all talk. And to be thinking about suede boots at a time like that would be so absurd . That's why it's funny, you know? Because it's so crazy to be thinking about boots if you were crash-landing in an ocean. I wonder what he'll say next. A guy like that, his mind must run at a different speed from the rest of ours. Like some kind of supercomputer of humour. I'm so glad that this airline encourages its flight attendants to be crazy characters, you know? To personalise their announcements and to joke around. It livens things up, makes your day brighter, makes the flight more memorable. One time on this same airline, I had a flight attendant who made such a good joke. Once we had taken off, she said, We're now on our way to Nova Scotia, enjoy the flight." And the funny part was that the flight was actually going to Miami, which isn't anywhere near Nova Scotia. Everyone on the plane sort of freaked out for a second, and then, when she let us off the hook, everyone laughed and sighed with relief. We didn't want to be going to Greenland, or wherever that is! It's cold there, and we were headed somewhere warm! We all had a big laugh about that one; for the next four hours of the flight, I kept finding myself chuckling, thinking of the great joke she played on us. But she wasn't as good as this fella. This guy's got something special. Oops - there he goes again. You hear that? He said, "I'm sorry everyone, but your flight attendant buttons don't work tonight. If you need something, please tell me once we land and I'll do my best to help you." That's so perfect, because obviously he can't help people with, say, a pillow, once we've already landed! So he's jerking our chain again! Like, avoiding working on the flight! Man, I hope he never stops, because every time he interrupts the music or the movie or wakes me up when I'm trying to sleep - every time that overloud intercom busts through my fuzzy fragile consciousness, I think, "Oh wow, I can't wait to hear what he says! I cannot motherfucking wait for one goddamn more second to hear what Gary has to say!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Hey yooo..yo..yo...hold up....

Im in a hotel in Singapore right now. I should be sleeping because ive been up the past two days, but my mind won't stop chugging away.

I left Toronto on a flight to Newark, New Jersey with nothing too eventful happening along the way. But, New Jersey was funny. The first thing i noticed was the difference between toronto security officers and the ones working in Newark. The ones in toronto acted very professional, gave me my pat down, did there routine, and it was done. The security crew in Newark was a bunch of kids; A hispanic dude with penciled on facial hair that would make prince proud; a black dude that just kept giggling, and a sassy black woman that resembled Mo'nique a little too well..(No Soul Plane reference intended). The hispanic dude kept saying that I looked like his friend, and kept on calling me by this guys name, while the other guy agreed that I look like him. Mo'nique gave me a little, "Mmm-hmmmm" when I walked through the metal detector, as if by making that sound she lets the world know that shes on top of everything. And hispanic prince kept calling me by his friends name. I'd like to give him a real-raspberry beret.... by cracking his skull open. (I thought that was soo funny at the time)

So, I get on the flight, and I find out its 18 hours. I didn't know why I never bothered to ask, or even look at my ticket prior to this, but I was kind of shocked and scared that I wouldn't be able to do it without having a seizure or panic attack. BTW...Singapore airlines is the best and everyone should take it once in their lives....anyways, I get put beside this nice old lady, who looks over me and says, "All right boy, whats your story?" ....I told her my damage, she told me hers, and that was it...until her gas set in. I swear it was like clockwork. Every half an hour, the most noxious gas would escape her rectum and make its way up my nose...making it nearly impossible to sleep or even live (considering we were in an airtight compartment together). I eventually did fall asleep for I don't know how long. But, i woke up in a panic..and I yelled out, "Harry Nillson sings that song!!!". And old lady beside me asks, "What the hell are you talking about?" The people in the row in front of me also turned around with a disapproving gaze.

So I get to this country, and the airport is wicked. (and not even on a relative scale, considering I just came from the dodgiest airpot in little jersey) I wrote on my customs card that i planned to stay in the country for 40 days. When I gave it to the officer, she laughed and said "you can only stay here for 30 days for a temporary, Ill just change it." I heard its a federal offence punished by caneing to overstay your visa here, but with customs guards enforcing it like that make caneing seems like a sensual massage. Get my euphemism...sensual.

Oh, I got on the transit, and some guy had horrible poo-breath...but thats not the story. After being on the transit for about 15 minutes, some guy sat beside me and his breath smelt like sawdust and it was awesome. I think that if you are on public transit and someones breath makes your day, then you should publicly say it in front of everyone that this guy has great breath, to both make him feel good and to indirectly let poo-breaths of the world know that they don't belong.

i walked around this morning through a few malls and i saw this magical sign identifying, "Karaoke, Bowling, Cinema...this way" I guess I know where I will be spending the majority of my time when im here. However, i want it to be all three at the same im singing footloose....and watching it..all the while picking up spares....actually that sounds pretty shitty. Forget i said anything.

Bye for now....

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