Hot Fuzz

Vegas - 2 days in 2 minutes

Beetlejuice

Today was the first day I ate out in two weeks, and I wouldn't really call it eating out, cause it was KFC. I don't like it when people write in their blogs about stupid shit like what they had for dinner, but Im going to do that because I'll tell it in a funny manner. First off, I waited in line for a good twelve minutes with no acknowledgment of my exisitence then finally after I cleared my throat (and I don't like doing cockface things like that) I got the ladies attention. So I order my meal. I decided to get a salad. Apparently in the KFC native tongue, saying 'large Peach Pecan salad' actually means a small ceaser salad. Well it must, because thats how they interpreted it. Alright so all they have to do to get my meal is dig in the little refridgerator at the front and give me the fucking pre-packaged bowl of salad. But nooo..stupid lady at the register has to wait for the guy in front of me's chicken to cook so she can bag it and give it to him before she reaches in the fridge to get my pre-made/packaged meal that's right in front of her. So the bitch makes me wait another 10 minutes. Im a passive coward, thats why I didn't say anything. And I wasn't in a rush. I just like some common courtesy used, with a little common sense. Anyways while Im waiting, the one redeeming quality of the whole experience makes its way out of the kitchen of the KFC to the front. It was a tiny 3 and a half foot woman who had the exact face of Geena Davis in the movie Beetlejuice, but at the part when Ortho is bringing her back to life in her wedding gown and her face was all shriveled. Yeah, this ladies face looked exactly like that. I wish I had my camera because the resemblance was uncanny. I may go tommorow and take some pics if shes there.
There was another lady who looked weird, but how she looked wasn't funny-weird. It would probably be mean-weird if I described it so I won't. Ah what the hell, she looked like a scientist injected gelatin into her neck to give her neck region a rubberey girth; shot her face with a shotgun and then beat her senseless with a raw turkey. Then the scientist shit in the turkey to make a nice holiday stuffing, allowing the woman to eat it (which she did voluntarily). She digested the poo stuffing and began sweating it out of her pores to give her that awful smell that she exuded throughout the KFC...she smelled like poo heaven.

After writing this im thinking, who the fuck orders a salad from KFC? Im so lame.

New blog feature: Marks Super Question #1
Quick: Name 3 movies where Christopher Lloyd is a villain?

Mammaries

I have stories from my youth stored in little compartments somewhere around my brain. They're all shuffled around in there, but somedays I like to reach in and pull one out. Its like a vending machine of my formative years. I open up each compartment and laugh at the memory. From pretending there is a monster under my bed named Tumourboggle who reaches out from under the darkness and flaps his arm at me kind of like he's whipping me with a wet towel (that was in university), or dancing to PYT in a bar and recieving free drinks for my skills. Im glad I have these stored someone. But when I look at the compartment from which I grabbed them, I see an expiry date telling me the times have past. An overwhleming rush of nostalgia races through my bloodstream, paining me as it hits my brain, I realize I will never live these moments again.

There is a time through sobriety; through a binge of clarity where your thoughts go ice skating hand in hand with your fondest memories. Circling, water undulating under the surface, those memories turn sour and inevitability forces you to crash through the ice. Now you're dead, and what was that all for?

"We don't have to be mean because, remember no matter where you go, there you are."
- Buckaroo Bonzai

Bad Idea

I often come up with really bad ideas for ways to pass time, but I think my most recent one tops the cake. I joined an online casino.
AS you can see in the photo, I am playing a video slot called Dogfather. It is an organized crime themed game with dogs. Kind of like a mish mash of the Sopranos and Turner and Hooch....or Scarface and Beethoven. But in this game if something bad happens a St.Bernard doesn't cover up its eyes with two paws that are on sticks. If you know me, you know gambling and myself go together like orange juice and toothpaste. I signed up because I can't go to Vegas this weekend like I was originally intending, which sucks cause now I have to stay here by myself for christmas. But, Ive been doing well on it. I won a couple hundred bucks, but I know myself and thats probably going to go straight back in.
I went to my staff party last night and I drank way too much like usual. I decided it would be a good idea if I was to predrink. That began at noon. A bottle of wine and 5 beers later, it was time to hit the party. I don't know why I do this to myself. My cousin got married in the summer and I predrank for the wedding. Who predrinks for an open bar wedding? Im not going to drink this weekend, not because its Christmas and Im by myself, its just I don't want to be cliche. Drinking alone on Christmas...I might as well call myself Ducky. Ill just gamble.
Im going to make eggs florentine tommorow for breakfast, how wicked is that?

You better name your first born Stephen Christopher...even if its a girl

I just want to take the oppotunity to wish my good friend David Gall congratulations on his recent engagement.

Gotta watch Whopner!

My roomate Ben has gone home for three weeks and I have relocated my room to the living room. On friday we curled as usual, but this time was a little different than the other times, for one of our opponents was an autistic man. I have never in my life encountered someone with this conditon, but after close examination of some of the traits this indivdual was displaying, I have come to the conclusion that I may be mildly autisitic for the following reasons:
1) he talked to himself; i talk to myself
2) he was jumping up and down for no reason and running back and forth all the time; i do that
3) he sucked at curling; so do i
4) my favorite season is autumn....autumn has the letters 'aut' and so does autistic...coincidence, probably not
So there you have it. A do it yourself hack diagnosis of my condition.

Yesterday I went to a staff party for the company my friend Lee-Anne works at. I didn't know anyone there, but it served liquor and the food was good. The food was great actually, but there was an unappetizing moment during the administering of my dinner. I noticed a woman who was balding and I also noticed what she had on her plate; just meat and no vegetables. So ladies, if you don't want to go bald, make sure you eat balanced meals with plenty of vegetables. Another diagnosis by me. I should be a doctor. A doctor of intelligence and other stuff.
Diagnosis
Diagnosis Murder
Dick Van Dyke
Mary Poppins
Cherry Poppin Daddies

Hahah, do you remember when swing was big for like a day?

Don't you want to take a....Cruise Trip!

My skull bank loves mozarella sticks

My skull bank has an irresistable appetite for mozarella sticks. He just can't get enough of them. Isn't that wacky? You would think that skulls would be obsessed with death and spines and pirates and not....mozarella sticks. He can eat a whole box of them too. I don't even know where they go considering he doesn't have a stomach. I mean, I like mozarella sticks and all, but I think there are much better foods out there to obsess over. Like venison. I would be much happier if my skull liked venison because venison kind of sounds like venom. And skulls are supposed to enjoy venom or associate themselves with anything toxic. There is a picture of a skull on most poisonous things so it would only seem appropriate. Im not going to kick the skull out of the house (like you all might be thinking) but I think I'm just going to learn to accept it and try to understand whats going on in that skulls skull.

My computer/television for 3 weeks

I want to go to Vegas

If I can find a cheap flight to Las Vegas from the 22nd to the 26th, I think Im going to take it. I don't want to be here for christmas. I want to be somewhere else.
I watched Double Impact on the weekend. I never noticed that JCVD is credited for the screenplay of the movie, then I started watching and realized, wow what a brilliant writer. There is one part of dialogue where JCVD says and I quote, "Because of my strong legs, and my karate...I can do the splits no problem." And you know what...he does the splits. Now that is how you write a screenplay; by incorporating lines in the movie that force you to do the splits for no reason whatsoever. My favourite part which I hope they explain in the sequel that will never be made is, how come two brothers separated at 6 months old where one grows up in Beverly Hills and the other in Hong Kong both develop thick Flemish accents. I think its because they have magic powers. Well I know he has magical powers; I did see Timecop...duh!
I remember renting the movie "The Quest" which was his directorial debut. I thought it was the highlight of Roger Moores career. I really don't know what else hes been in beside that anyways. I love how in the begginning of the movie he plays an all american kid just doin what every kid does in the 1920's, which is play stick ball and sell newspapers with one of those newsies hats on. Of course he had that thick euro accent, like all kids from coney island had back then.
This post is stupid, Im talking about Jean Claude Van Damme movies and the inconsistencies in the logic, and Im tired. I guess thats the ultimate cue to stop writing.